My last girlfriend was a little on the fat side and shunned physical activity, so I tried sneakily to get her fit. My first idea was vigorous sex, but soon she complained of headaches and our nights were instead spent watching badly-acted movies. Then I decided to try to laugh her into shape: I showed her Youtube videos of sneezing pandas and cats in clothes, but nothing worked. She just sat there, filling the bed, staring stonily ahead.

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